Normally
people have their first babies with no problems and get to take them
home a day or two after they are born. Enjoying their newborns in the
comfort of their own home.
I
am tortured by the image of my baby's cord falling off in the hospital,
marking the first event in her little life and that we should be able
to cherish but instead, 6 months on, I still cry at the thought of it.
Some people will probably think these feelings are pathetic but to me,
I've lost a lot which I won't and can't get back.
So
what's rhesus? Well everyone is either positive or negative. You're
tested for it in pregnancy and if you're positive then this probably
won't make much sense to you as you probably won't of heard of it :) but
if your negative, which is what I am, it can cause problems. Now to be
honest we are the rarer end of the scale, as normally first babies don't
cause this kind of problem. It normally affects subsequent babies, who
are rhesus positive and to combat it you are given an Anti-D injection
at 28 weeks pregnant and after giving birth to prevent any reaction. The
problem is caused when the mothers blood mixes with the babies to cause
a production of antibodies. This is why the injection is given to
prevent this.
In
my case, we have been told that it is very likely that I have
miscarried a baby or babies, which I didn't know about and they have
caused a stimulus in my body to produce antibodies to fight against my
growing baby. These antibodies see the baby as a threat to my body. This
is basically what has caused Charlotte all of her problems, as my body
was protecting me against her, attacking her blood cells and trying to
kill her off.
Thankfully
my little fighter, fought her way through as otherwise she wouldn't be
with us today. This is what caused her jaundice and then eventually her
anaemia. She still has these antibodies in her blood today, however as
she is older now her body is able to manage it by itself and the
antibodies will eventually die off, so won't cause her any problems in
the future, thank goodness, it will just take time but thankfully the
doctors are no longer concerned.
I
think the difficultly for me has come with all of this being so
unexpected, being in and out of hospital for blood test and the constant
fear that she would have to go back in for what seemed like she would
need multiple blood transfusions and god knows what else. It's been the
crying that she won't feed or the health care professionals looking at
me like it's my fault. Saying "Are you sure your feeding her correctly?"
Or "You are only feeding her on one side aren't you?" Making you feel
like your the reason for you baby being so poorly. Then these same
idiots having to prick her heal more than once because they didn't do it
right the first time. Seeing her blood being taken that many times that
you could do it yourself better is so infuriating. It's also watching
your baby cry while she has her blood taking and her looking at you to
make it stop.
In
the early days blood tests were every few hours, then daily, weekly,
two weekly and then finally monthly before they were stopped.
When
Charlotte first came out of hospital, she had 24 hours at home. The
midwife came to visit us and took her blood to make sure her bilirubin
levels had stayed low. As you know that night we return to hospital for a
further 2 days, the worst part is we were rushed in because it appeared
her levels were dangerously high. Don't get me wrong but they were very
high but it wasn't as high as the community test had made out. Scary to
think that as the blood was taken to the hospital it altered the
results, making them a lot higher. This happened twice before I refused
for the community nurses to do it again. The second time it happened we
were allowed to stay home and return to hospital the next day for
another test. Creating an additional test which she wouldn't of needed.
As
I wouldn't let the community nurses carry out the tests anymore, we
were asked to attend children's outpatients at the hospital. This was a
completely nightmare as all of the nurses seemed incompetent at their
jobs, from pricking her big toe at 4 weeks old, to taking 40 minutes to
take two tiny viles. My poor baby was tortured into hysterical fits of
crying by these barbaric people. I couldn't take anymore and refused to
take her back. I eventually made a complaint which to this date is still
being investigated.
For the final few tests, we were allowed to go to Koala Unit where thankfully we experienced people who could do it properly.
Witnessing
all of this as a new mummy would tip anyone over the edge. I've found
it extremely hard to hold myself together through it all.
Thankfully
Charlotte is at the better end of it now and doesn't require anymore
tests. They are still keeping an eye on her but through symptoms rather
than blood and for her reflux aswell.
Last
month, I was eventually followed up myself by a haematologist to look
into what has caused all of this and what kind of problems we are going
to expect in the future, for more babies.
I
have previously been told that if I have another rhesus positive baby,
we can expect this all over again, however I will be classed as higher
risk and it could be a lot worse. If my body doesn't reject the baby
completely through a miscarriage, we are looking at blood transfusions
for the baby in pregnancy and possible prolonged stays in hospital and
all this dabbling could risk me loosing our little one anyway.
Apparently we should expect to see a consultant throughout the pregnancy
on a regular basis. Scary thought really as I still cannot be parted
for Charlotte now, she hasn't left my side for more than a walk to the
shop with Daddy and even then I go to pieces. How will my poor little
one cope without me and me without her.
So
anyway back to my actual appointment, it's all very complicated as at
the moment and they are at the guessing stage, guessing what may happen.
They have took mine and Ricky's blood and we have to return in October
for the results. This is where we will find out how this will really
affect us and how likely it will affect all or some of our future
Children. I'm so nervous about it. I would love more children since I've
had Charlotte.
It's
crazy because when I was pregnant, after having SPD I was adamant that I
wasn't having anymore. In fact I was becoming a nun and crossing my
legs haha but then she was born. This perfectly gorgeous tiny little
being and the overwhelming joy and love that came with her. She has made
me crave to experience it again. I crave to give my perfect girl a
sibling or two to play with :). To feel them and watch them grow inside
me. To bring them into a world where they will be loved beyond any
imaginable level but is it fair is the question. What that poor little
baby will go through, even though I know it's all worth it in the end.
Or will we just experience loss and devastation before they are even
brought into the world and will we loose a part of each other we can
never get back. Will I recover from such a loss. I'm already struggling
with the losses I didn't know about.
So
for me October can't come quick enough so I can find out what our
future holds. I know whatever happens, my dreams came true with
Charlotte and she will be cherished no matter what. I look at her
everyday and know how lucky I am.
